


Mothwing Musings

by somethingborrowed



Series: Metamorphosis [1]
Category: Yu-Gi-Oh! - All Media Types, Yu-Gi-Oh! Duel Monsters (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst, Espa being a boss ass friend, Espa not quite understanding what Haga sees in Ryuu but kind of supporting him through it anyways, Haga having the fame he seeks but actually not enjoying it because it's all hollow, M/M, Pining, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love, sexuality exploration
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-08
Updated: 2021-02-08
Packaged: 2021-03-13 20:00:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29284161
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/somethingborrowed/pseuds/somethingborrowed
Summary: A prequel of sorts to Dino-Dorks and Bug-Boys! Set three months prior to Chapter 1 of DDABB in Insector Haga's POV.When Insector Haga wins this year's Regional Championship, he should be ecstatic at the fact that his dueling career is turning around and he's finally getting the recognition he's craved since he was fourteen. There's just something missing from his life, though, and it doesn't take a genius to figure out what that is.
Relationships: Dinosaur Ryuuzaki | Rex Raptor/Insector Haga | Weevil Underwood
Series: Metamorphosis [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2150559
Comments: 1
Kudos: 2





	Mothwing Musings

Insector Haga hardly felt anything as he watched his opponent’s Life Points ceremoniously drop down to 0 and heard the MC’s booming voice over the loudspeakers, announcing him to be the victor of this year’s Regional Championship. He had hardly even processed the victory as he stood there, blank slated expression watching over the dueling field almost in a daze. The glaringly bright spotlights that were all pointed towards their dueling stage; the thousands of people that must have attended to watch their match with bated breath – none of it meant a thing to Haga.

Why didn’t he feel anything?

The crowd had roared deafeningly in approval at his flawless victory, the holograms of his Perfectly Ultimate Great Moth and his challengers’ remaining face down cards on the field disintegrating into thin air as the projections were turned off and the duel was concluded. He still stood there. He should have been happy – ecstatic, even – at the victory, but he felt nothing.

The piercing, excited cheers of the Championship’s loyal spectators felt more like background noise than anything substantial as the bug duelist collected his cards and slid them back into his deck box – hell, _everything_ about this duel was just white noise to Haga as he quietly collected himself. He was entirely stoic; unresponsive, almost. Even his challenger’s face was nothing more than a fuzzy blur in his mind as he got down from the dueling arena and went to collect his trophy from the tournament’s MC.

It was the most recent in a growing list of tournament victories for the sixteen-year-old insect duelist. If this string of luck had graced him two years prior when he was at his most successful, he would have been over the moon. He would have thanked his lucky stars that he was no longer getting targeted and beaten by vexed former fans who had recognized him; hell, he probably would have cried a bit at how absurd the concept would have seemed to him. He would have sucked up every bit of limelight he had gotten as if it was the first time that he was getting attention showered upon him because he would have believed back then that he _deserved it._

He didn’t really know what to believe anymore. Was he proud? Hell, even his _parents_ weren’t proud of him anymore; not enough to show him that they were, anyways. Did they even bother to show up today?

Even though Haga’s mind was screaming at him not to – internally yelling at him not to get his hopes up and end up disappointed again – as he accepted his trophy, he glanced towards the spectators to scan over the crowd, electric blue eyes training on the two seats he always kept reserved during his duels just in case his parents decided they actually wanted to attend their son’s matches and watch him participate.

As usual, the seats were empty.

Oddly, though, the disappointment he had grown so accustomed to was absent. The burning heat of shame he usually felt curl up in his stomach when he realized his parents were not present was instead replaced with the same icy wall of indifference he felt as he had accepted his trophy.

_Why don’t I feel anything?_

The day went by in a blur.

Haga kept the press coverage of his victories to a minimum, due to his lasting paranoia of angry strangers beating the tar out of him once they recognized him. He knew by now it was probably unnecessary, but for his past transgressions against Yuugi Mutou he could never be too sure – as up-and-coming as his rekindled reputation was, the famed King of Games was still leagues above him, and Yuugi commanded a very strong presence _and_ the added benefit of a very loyal dueling fanbase. If any of them had recognized Haga, he was sure they would have hunted him down for sport on sight.

It hadn’t happened yet, but the nightmares and memories Haga had of alleyway beatings and walking home, soaking wet from the rain and doubled over in pain from his bruised ribs, still kept him up at night.

Nonetheless, with his paranoia pushed aside and his reputation to uphold once more, he had still signed a few autographs and spent some time talking to the hosts of the Regionals who were gracious enough to have him as a competitor. He hoped his words didn’t sound as hollow as he felt inside. It wasn’t that he _wasn’t_ truly appreciative and aware of their kindness – he was just numb to it all, if anything. It had been hard at first; finding a tournament that would accept a reputation as marred as his had been and letting him compete for the Championship title – but it was paying off. He was getting a fanbase again; people were coming to watch _him_ duel and he was _good at it_.

The cheers should have brought him joy. It should have been everything he had ever wanted. At one point, it _had_ been everything he had ever wanted.

He didn’t know how he felt. _Passive_ would have probably been the best word he would have thought to describe it as.

He supposed it was a better feeling than guilt or shame.

The hours had passed and the sun had begun to set by the time the insect duelist was done. He didn’t mind – it wasn’t like he had anywhere special to be, but he supposed it would have been nice to have more sunlight to guide his way home. He had asked his parents if they would be free to pick him up after the Championship was over. His father had replied saying that they would both be out of town until late on a business retreat.

Haga couldn’t say that he was necessarily surprised, but that text exchange _had_ hurt a bit. It was the first feeling to break through his icy façade. He hadn’t even bothered replying; it would have just taken more time out of his day to type out the message, and the sun was sinking with every moment he stood there staring at his phone screen.

And so, Haga had walked himself home after the fanfare had ended and the Regional Championship had closed down for the season.

Well, that wasn’t entirely true; in actuality, he had walked a good distance towards his house until he found a reliable bus that was going in the direction of his new home in Domino City. He appreciated the way he melted back into the sea of people the further from the tournament grounds he got – he was just another face in the crowd, another unassuming teenage boy to anyone who hadn’t recognized him. If anyone _had_ spotted him with any form of recognition, at this point they would have been more likely to be a fan than they were to be an enemy.

The walk was uneventful and quiet, and the wait at the bus stop had been much of the same. Haga had paid the bus fare and sat in the back as to not be bothered by the other passerby, his unfocused gaze peering out the window as the bus began its journey home. The backpack he kept his dueling supplies and deck in was sat protectively in his lap, his arms wrapping around it as if it was a stuffed animal as he pulled it closer in his embrace.

He blinked then as something caught his attention, stormy blue eyes refocusing as raindrops began to splatter onto the surface of the window he was staring out of.

Of course. It was going to rain.

The atmosphere of the dimly lit bus and the increasing sound of rain drumming against its roof drew Haga out of his shell, the teal-haired teen slowly relaxing and coaxing himself back into _feeling_ again. He knew it wouldn’t last – as soon as he was in the presence of his parents, those defensive walls would come right back up again with ten times the strength they had when he had been dueling.

For now, though, sitting alone in the back of the bus and with the comforting knowledge that his parents were unlikely to be home until after he had gone to bed for the night, Haga could unwind and deconstruct the insistent compartmentalization of the last few months of his life.

He sighed, moving his arms from being wrapped around his backpack so he could hold his face in his hands. Careful to avoid smudging his glasses with his fingerprints, Haga sat there for a moment and just _existed_ – no words were spoken, no tears were shed. He just sat there and waited as he collected himself and thought through everything that was going on through his head.

 _Three months._ Next week would mark three months since his family’s abrupt move to Domino City. It was a move he hadn’t been excited about – forced upon him by his parents in the wake of his sudden reentry into the world of Duel Monsters and the success that he was garnering by dueling cleanly. Of course, dueling couldn’t _just_ be a hobby; not to Haga’s parents, anyways. Any other family would have probably been perfectly content to let their son have something that was just _his,_ but that wasn’t the case in Haga’s situation.

Sure, Haga had always loved the recognition that came with dueling, and he had sought after it on his own terms once he had lost it, but there had been _heart_ in his performances when he used to duel that was missing now that his parents had sunk their teeth into his career _for_ him.

Well, that wasn’t entirely true; there had been some form of _heart_ during his duels in the past, up until his throne had been usurped and he had become universally hated for his failures and petty transgressions against the King of Games. It hadn’t been the noblest of ways he’d ever acted, but the fame had been intoxicating, and Haga could at least be thankful that it hadn’t gotten to his head the same way this time around, now that he was placing in tournaments again.

His reputation had certainly been ruined when he had first lost to Yuugi, but he was slowly rebuilding it, for better or for worse.

 _Enough,_ Haga told himself as he shook his head to clear his thoughts. _I don’t want to think about this right now._

That was a rabbit hole he could venture down a different day.

Haga turned his thoughts to what he remembered about his reputation _before_ his abrupt downfall at Duelist Kingdom; back when he had been a hotshot fourteen-year-old. Fourteen had been rather young for a serious Duel Monsters competitor, but Haga had worn his age proudly every time he had won against an older duelist who hadn’t expected him to put up a commendable fight because of their age gap.

They had called him a child prodigy in the newspapers and on television interviews that had aired across Japan. Of course, he hadn’t been anywhere near the level of child prodigy that Rebecca Hawkins of America had been known for, but he was still a formidable opponent with a very unassuming disposition that his opponents had often underestimated. They thought him weak and unremarkable because of his age, but he relished in the joy he got when he proved them wrong each and every time.

He still had passion for the game nowadays, of course, but it was different now.

Haga would always consider himself a duelist above all else, but the way his parents had taken control of his passion and turned it into a fanfare event of being religiously signed up to win tournaments for the prestige and nothing else? That was a mockery in his eyes. Sure; perhaps he had never had the deep-seeded, selfless motivations that inspired him to keep dueling the way that Katsuya Jounouchi or Yuugi Mutou did – but surely just _enjoying the game_ was a good enough reason to want to participate in it, right?

And why _couldn’t_ it be? Especially after everything that Haga had been through – falling prey to the power of the Orichalcos; losing his soul on more than one occasion; being bathed in infamy for the better part of the last two years of his life – he didn’t even _want_ that fame and recognition anymore. Why couldn’t he just have participated in local Duel Monsters tournaments on his own merit and be content to call it a day? Why did they have to take that from him?

It definitely wouldn’t have been the first time that his parents had taken his hopes and dreams and twisted them into nothing more than a nightmare.

First it was entomology. Haga had been fascinated by insects from a very young age – hence his insect-themed deck and the moniker he used while dueling – and his love for them had fueled almost every choice he had made with how to spend his free time and what to research for his studies. He had plans to become an amazing entomologist one day – living out the fantastical adventures he had planned in his mind since childhood about going to far-off lands and discovering new species of insects never before seen by man. It was what he wanted do for almost as long as he could remember, and he couldn’t wait until he finally had his own college dorm to himself, away from his parents, and was able to rekindle his love for entomology on his own terms.

He still had that dream, of course, but his parents made it unbearable. Suddenly, Haga was pushed into endless hours of studying and cataloging, researching and losing sleep over entomology. He had a passion for insects that was matched by very few things, but he was so overworked that even he had to admit that he was burnt out – all at the hands of his overzealous parents.

Their overbearing nature and constant judgmental bickering about his entomology career had become equally as overwhelming as his own burn-out, and Haga had turned to dueling as a means of escape from the stress they were putting him through. Duel Monsters had always been something that he loved to do, although he had taken a hiatus from playing after he had been humiliatingly defeated on turn-one by Zigfried von Schroeder; not to mention everything that had happened with the Orichalcos and the DOMA Organization.

Picking up his deck again was something that he had felt endlessly anxious about doing, but Haga had figured that it was likely a safe enough route to go down in order to keep his parents off of his back and rekindle a passion he had been missing out on for the last year or so of his life.

To no one’s surprise, his parents were not pleased with that. When Haga started winning local tournaments again – small ones, mind you; where the players would be unlikely to recognize him or pose a serious threat to his wellbeing – his mother had caught on to his escapades and took his dueling career entirely by the reins. Suddenly, Haga was being signed up for bigger and bigger tournaments, and his dueling career felt entirely out of his control.

 _“If you’re going to do something, at least do it well,”_ she had said coldly in response to his concerns about being rushed back into the spotlight. _“If you want to waste your time playing card games instead of actually studying something useful, you should at least earn the prestige and compensation that comes with being good at it.”_

Haga didn’t understand why she was so concerned with the money; they were loaded enough as it was. It wasn’t as if they didn’t already have prestige attached to their family name; both of Haga’s parents were extremely well off and influential in their respective careers. The house that they had managed to purchase in Domino City – under his mother’s direct influence after she had decided that Haga should invest his time in bigger tournaments with a wider cash prize and media coverage – was indicative enough of their wealth. The damn thing was practically a mansion, situated on the industrial and expensive side of Domino City where only the upper class could afford to live. It was luxurious and beautifully vintage in style, with a lush flower garden that was perfect for bug-catching and beautiful bay windows on the second floor.

It was probably someone else’s dream home. To Haga, it was just vastly empty and unloved; wasted potential in the presence of his family who could never appreciate it the way another buyer would have. His parents never even decorated the living room or had music on to drown out the silence that often shrouded the house in gloom; his room had been the only one in the house with a touch of personal flare added to it, as he insisted on bringing his terrariums with him and setting up his various insect observatories to liven it up. Haga was sure his parents had only relented to his demands because they saw it as an extension of his entomology studies, when in reality he took care of his insects with the same love and admiration that one would have given to a housecat.

His room was effectively the only safe space in the entire house, and one of the few things he still had with him currently to give him hope that the future might turn out a little brighter.

Haga had been so wrapped up in his thoughts that he had barely heard the bus driver call, “Last stop,” and the bug duelist jerked upwards, wide-eyed and staring blankly from the emotional whiplash until he remembered himself and collected his backpack. Hopping off of the bus, the rain made him scrunch up his nose as it began to soak his hair and shoulders. He kept his backpack held protectively in his arms to shield it from as much rain as possible as he continued his walk home, hoping the rain would at least let up so he wasn’t entirely soaked through by the time he reached his abode. He was lucky enough that the bus took him right to the edge of the upper-class streets of Domino City; maybe five more minutes and he would be walking through his front door, alone for the night and finally able to get some peace and quiet.

The walk was full of silent contemplation and glazed-over eyes as he continually wiped away the raindrops that collected on his glasses, only half paying attention to his surroundings as he walked home on auto-pilot. The sun was entirely gone now, dipped below the horizon line and leaving only dark grey storm clouds in its absence. Haga felt lucky that the spring weather had been nice enough that he wasn’t currently freezing from the rain – it was more of a temperate drizzle than anything, and for that he was grateful. There was nothing worse than being chilled to the bone.

Piercing blue eyes refocused as Haga recognized the front gates of his property and he bounded towards them eagerly, pushing them open to allow himself entry into his front yard. Haga grunted at the exertion – must these things be so damn heavy? – and made his way up the winding cobblestone path that cut through the lush garden he had spent hours hunting insects in. After a moment of scanning the rain-covered grass for any potential catches while he walked and finding nothing of interest, Haga finally reached the covered porch of his home and shook his head to get some of the rain out.

“Finally,” he sighed to himself before he punched in his keycode and made his way inside.

The house was dark and empty, bathed in the inky depth of shadows and much too quiet for the teal-haired teen’s tastes. He scrunched his nose ruefully at the silence as he closed and locked the door behind him, darkness consuming him as his eyes had to adapt from the neon orange glow of the streetlamps he had used to guide him on his way home. He set down his backpack in the entryway and turned on the lights, illuminating the foyer and living room and breathing life back into the house. He waited a moment to see if anyone would respond to his ruckus from upstairs on the off-chance that either of his parents had returned home early without his knowledge, but the silence was not broken by their footsteps and Haga sighed in relief at the confirmation that he was truly alone.

 _Good,_ he told himself, though his words weren’t as confident as he wished them to be. His parents weren’t around to ask him about the tournament, which he had been dreading, but he was still conflicted as to how he felt about that. He didn’t know why – for all he knew, they would only let him know that they had signed him up for another tournament before heading to bed for the night, without so much as a congratulations spoken.

He didn’t want to be bitter. Haga had spent so much time and energy being bitter and frustrated – at his fame for fleeting and leaving him with only resentment in its absence, and bitterness towards Yuugi and his Other Self for being the duelists who had inadvertently taken that fame away from him. He didn’t want to let the anger continue any longer – if he allowed his parents too much control over his emotional state, it was like they had won, right? Haga wanted to believe that, and therefore not let their words or actions get to him, but that didn’t stop it from hurting. It didn’t stop him from feeling upset and angry, because it was so hard to be the perfect son when nothing he ever did was good enough for his parents.

The teal-haired teen kicked off his shoes and shrugged out of his soaked green beetle jacket, putting it on a coat hanger to dry and grabbing his backpack again before he made his way up to his room. If he was going to sit in turmoil, he could at least make himself useful and feed his beloved insects while he was at it. When he reached his room, he tossed his backpack near the foot of his bed and went to grab a towel to dry off his still-soaked hair before he focused himself to the task of feeding and caring for his pets.

Haga spent the next while going through the motions of checking his various terrariums and feeding the inhabitants inside when necessary. He took pride in the fact that his room was the only room in the house with a touch of personality to it – the rest of the house was so impersonal and cold that Haga hated to be most anywhere _but_ the sanctity of his own quarters. The rest of the house was so uptight and spotless that you would have thought it was on display to be sold to another family who would have likely been way happier there. Haga’s room, by comparison, was filled with insect terrariums on almost every available surface and Duel Monsters posters thumbtacked to the walls; an oaky, wooden study desk that held his latest entomology report saved on a laptop was situated next to his closet, and there were countless novels in the bookshelf beside it. On the other side of his room sat a queen-sized bed with beetle-themed blankets and a downy, thick plush comforter.

It wasn’t much by his standards – his old room in their previous house had been much larger and more personalized from his years of residing within it – but it was _Haga’s_ , and while he was stuck here in Domino City, it would at least have to do.

Ugh, _Domino City._

He felt silly for being so put-out by the move, but he couldn’t fully shake off his trepidation at being stuck in such a cursed place once more – if his past adventures were anything to go off of, this move was bound to be a disaster. The relocation to Domino City had certainly been rough; especially for the first month or so when Haga hadn’t quite reestablished himself as a reformed, clean-cut duelist yet. There had been a handful of times where he had been heckled for his past affiliations of causing the King of Games harm, but that had mostly vanished now that he was making a name for himself again. He still couldn’t say that being back in Domino was enjoyable by any stretch of the word; he was mostly left alone at school, and had virtually no friends to speak of, but it was miles better than being stuffed into trashcans or stranded out in the middle of a desert for days on end.

Well, he supposed he couldn’t say that he had _no_ friends.

As he was feeding his tarantula, Haga felt his phone vibrate from inside the pocket of his black cargo shorts, electric blue eyes widening slightly at the sensation as he fished it out to check who had been calling him. He cursed himself for thinking it might have actually been his parents when he caught sight of the caller ID, though he probably would have preferred the name he was looking at over the icy exterior that his parents would have given him had they been the ones trying to reach out to him.

 _Espa Roba_ was written across his phone's call screen in large white letters, the psychic duelist’s face smiling at him from his caller ID picture. Haga smiled softly to himself as he caught sight of the teen and he answered without hesitation, putting his companion on speakerphone since he knew that no one else would be around to eavesdrop on their conversation.

“Hey, Espa,” Haga greeted, setting his phone down on the lid of a nearby terrarium so he could refocus on giving his tarantula the crickets she so lovingly deserved. His voice was pleasant as he addressed his mint-haired friend; a tone of voice he reserved for very few people. “What’s up?”

“Haga!” The voice on the other end of the line sounded happy – though Espa often was. Haga briefly wondered how such a sunny, if not cocky disposition could stand being around him for too long, nonetheless consider him a friend. Haga certainly wouldn’t have described himself as _pleasant_ or _bubbly_ in any capacity, but Espa stuck around all the same and that spoke volumes to the insect duelist. “How are you – how was your duel today? I was hoping I would catch coverage of it on the evening news, but as usual I couldn’t find anything. When are you gonna let the press start talking about you again, huh?”

“I’ll let them cover my matches once I’m confident that they won’t smear my name back into the dirt,” Haga chortled to himself, rolling with the exasperated tone of his companion’s voice. Espa was often too busy caring for his siblings to attend Haga’s matches in person, and it was obvious that it annoyed the faux psychic to some degree. “I’m doing okay. The duel went fine – they crowned me this year’s Regional Champion.”

“And you didn’t let them cover it?!” Espa’s voice was as incredulous as it was congratulatory, as much as he wanted to be annoyed with Haga because he had missed such an occasion. “Haga, that’s incredible! Congratulations!”

“Tch, it was nothing. It’s not like it’s the first time I’ve ever won that title, you know.”

Haga could practically hear the eye-roll Espa gave him from the other end of the line. “C’moooon, you should have at _least_ let them do a news article on you! That would be so dope to keep as a keepsake, Haga! You could slap that baby right up on your wall next to that Insect Queen poster you always fawn over.”

“Perhaps,” the bug duelist thought wistfully as he securely placed the terrarium lid back on and left his tarantula to her meal. Haga went to change into his pajamas for the night; his cargo shorts were soaked from the rain still, and he refused to sit on his bedsheets like that and risk getting them damp. As he changed, he scoffed at the gentle dig Espa prodded him with. “Maybe next time – and stop pestering me about my poster! Her Highness deserves a premier spot on my wall; I wish I had gotten the chance to use her in my match today. That guy was such a joke; the duel didn’t even last long enough for me to get her on the field. It was a landslide victory.”

“I wish I could have been there.” He heard Espa sigh – he could almost picture the mint-haired teen slumping dramatically over a desk as he spoke. The thought made Haga chuckle under his breath as he grabbed his phone off of the terrarium lid he had set it on, going to sit on the edge of his bed now that he had fresh pajamas on. “I’m so sorry I couldn’t attend your match today, Haga. My mom caught a fever and I had to babysit in her place – I hope you understand. I would have just brought them with me, but I can’t trust those little tyrants out in public anymore! I don’t even know how my mom deals with them when I’m not around.”

“Don’t even worry about it,” Haga shook his head sincerely, blushing a bit as he realized that the action had no way of being seen by Espa. He placed his phone next to him on the bed as he laid back. “I’m just glad you got enough time to yourself to be able to call me at all today. I can’t even imagine having to take care of _one_ sibling – let alone _four_ of them. I think I’d go insane if I were you.”

“Ha! You act as if they haven’t _already_ driven me to insanity,” Espa chuckled, exhaustion seeping through his words as he thought about what a handful his brothers were. “I feel like I’m their maid; Shinji’s going through this phase right now where he doesn’t want to clean up after _anything,_ and I’m usually the one to tend to it. Do you know how messy that little brat is? I swear, if you decided to unexpectedly come over and visit one day, I wouldn’t be surprised if you walked in on me in an apron, putting a meal in the oven and everything. It’s a full-time job.”

“Hahaha! It might be worth it to come back over just for the visual,” Haga smirked, though he was reluctant to visit Espa’s home after his last encounter with the younger Roba siblings. They were way too much of a handful for an only-child like Haga; he had no frame of reference for relating to siblings, not to mention his complete lack of patience for people in general. “You’re always welcome to come over here and get away for a while, you know – whenever the time is right and you can _find_ a moment to sneak away. Even maids deserve a break sometimes.”

“We’ll figure something out,” Espa promised wistfully, pausing for a moment before switching gears. “So, what’s your next move, anyways? You’ve won the Regional Championship, and that’s awesome, but what comes next for famed insect duelist _Insector Haga?_ ”

Haga chortled at the exaggerated way Espa said his moniker, though his smile faded as he contemplated his companion’s words. “Ah, knowing my parents, they’ll just sign me up for the next tournament that comes to town. I have this gorgeous trophy from the Championship in my backpack, but I don’t think they’d even put it up on the display case they have downstairs.”

“What’s the point of having a display case if you’re never going to use it?” The older teen scoffed, indignation coloring the tone of his voice. Haga certainly hadn’t told Espa _everything_ about his life and how overbearing his parents had been, but Espa had only needed to be around them once to realize the impact they had on him. It was clear to anyone who ever met them that Haga got most of his personality quirks from his parents – his snobby attitude towards anyone he deemed inferior, his general lack of empathy, his stubbornly rigid perfectionism he could never life up to – and it had been painful for the faux psychic to witness just how negatively they affected him.

“I’m not too worried about it,” Haga said with a shrug. He sat back up and peered across the room to where his previous Championship trophy sat. “It’ll look better on top of my bookshelf, anyways.”

“That’s fair, I suppose.” Espa agreed nonchalantly. “Is it prettier than the last Regional Championship trophy you won?”

“I’ll have to compare them more closely to see how their design has changed over the years,” Haga murmured in contemplation, taking a moment to consider Espa’s words as he leaned down and fished out his award from the backpack that sat at the foot of his bed. Electric blue eyes darted back up to his bookshelf to gloss over the older trophy in question, a small smile crossing over his features as he recalled Pegasus J. Crawford being the one to hand that award to him.

 _That was one of the happiest moments of my entire dueling career,_ Haga thought to himself fondly. Everything had been so different then, back before his career had gone entirely downhill after Duelist Kingdom was over. Back when being in the spotlight had been something that he adored rather than tolerated, and back when he had been thrilled to have his winning matches aired all over Japan – it was a feeling he hadn’t felt in years.

Having Pegasus himself bestow Haga with such an honor – knowing that he’d gotten to meet his idol up close, even if for just that one brief moment – had made the Championship trophy glow with a sense of nostalgia and pride that was unparalleled by any other award he had ever won. This year’s trophy was certainly fancier in its design and stature, but it meant almost as much to him as the tournament itself had.

As long as his parents still controlled when and where he dueled, all of Haga’s victories would be hollow and meaningless.

That certainly hadn’t always been the case; the last Regional Championship he had placed in had been worlds apart in feeling, so full of life and energy that this year’s tournament had lacked entirely. Haga thought about the different aspects of his last Championship match and how vivid they had seemed in comparison to this year’s finals. _Everything_ had seemed much more authentic back then to the insect duelist; the crowd, the sensationalism – even the opponent he had faced in that match had been more memorable. This year’s tournament was entirely barren by comparison.

Wait a second.

_The opponent he had faced in that match._

“… Well? What did you find out?”

Haga’s eyes widened slightly as he was jolted from the rabbit-hole he was quickly going down, turning to address the phone that was sitting next to him on his bed. Quickly recovering from having spaced out so hard, he shrugged and said, “Well, the one that I received today is certainly more ornate, but I can’t say I’m surprised. The Regional Championship has really taken off in the last two years. If you thought my _last_ trophy was bare-bones, you should have seen Ryuzaki’s runner-up award – that thing was pathetic!”

“Eh? Ryuzaki?” The voice on the other end of the line was inquisitive, no doubt at the sudden jump in topic that Haga had thrown at him. “I’d forgotten that he had even participated in that tournament. Is he still on your mind?”

Haga’s face lit up in a heated blush at the gentle accusation, turning his cheek away from his phone and staring down at the floor. “T-tch! I only mentioned him because you asked about our trophies, t-that’s all!”

“Mhmm,” Espa hummed, obviously unimpressed. Haga could imagine the gentle arch of his brow and his arms crossing over his chest as he spoke. “That’s the only reason, huh? C’mon, Haga, I know you better than that.”

A gentle scoff. Downturned eyes counting the threads of his carpet to make the burning of his cheeks less noticeable. “He’s never really left my thoughts – a fact I’m sure you’re also aware of.”

The admission didn’t come lightly – Haga had reconnected with Espa at Domino City High about two-and-a-half months ago, and in that time, he had struck a fast friendship with his mint-haired companion. Haga didn’t think he had ever opened up so fast or had revealed so much about both his life and his past with another person before, and Espa took all of his confessions in stride. The psychic duelist was a surprisingly good listener, and there was something about having a peer that Haga could relate to in his life again that allowed him to break down his walls and talk about his past honestly for the first time in years.

Of course, there were still a lot of things that Haga still kept privately to himself, even in the wake of having someone who would hear him out without judgment. Espa knew the basics about his controlling parents just from being around them, but not much more; Haga wasn’t ready to talk about them just yet and the faux psychic was fine with that. Additionally, Espa knew the basics of Haga’s fall from grace after his past transgressions against Yuugi Mutou, but the insect duelist had never spared many details that would give Espa insight as to _why_ he had taken such drastic measures against the King of Games. Topics like that, Haga kept under lock and key, but when it came to the bulk of his time as a still-reputable duelist, Espa was privy to most information.

And of course, with the most of his career spent with Ryuzaki in tow, Haga had inevitably opened up to Espa about that entire situation as well.

“I don’t know why you even bother thinking about him still.” Espa admitted bluntly. “It’s been what – ten months since you’ve last heard from him?”

A tense pause. “… It’s getting closer to eleven, now.”

“Exactly,” His mint-haired companion mused. “All that time, and you two still haven’t talked to each other. I’ve told you like, three times now that if you want to hear from him again, sitting around and _thinking about it_ is probably not the right way to go. At this point, you're going to either have to bridge that gap for yourself or admit that he’s probably not gonna magically reach out to you, Haga. What do you even see in him, anyways?”

Haga huffed and crossed his arms over his chest, slumping over slightly as he turned his gaze back to his cellphone. Espa’s words were harsh, but he knew they came from a valid place of concern – Haga had been pining to Espa about his former partner in crime for the last two months, but his languish hadn't gotten him any closer to actually reaching out to the dinosaur enthusiast. “He’s never given up on me. When I lost everything, most of the friends I had made because of my dueling prestige had turned their backs on me, but Ryuzaki never did. He knew what it was like to be a loser, too. And we stuck together because of that, through everything.”

Of course, that was barring the past ten months of Haga’s life, but he was loath to admit that fact out loud. It would make the distance hurt all that much more.

“And so, the reason that _you_ haven’t contacted _him_ is…?” Espa’s voice was slightly exasperated. Haga had gone on about Ryuzaki at length on more than one occasion, but the faux psychic just didn’t see the appeal. From everything that Haga told him, he was hooked on this boy – but why? What was it about that horribly outdated fashion sense and scruffy brunette hair that spoke such volumes to Haga? Espa doubted he would ever truly understand. “Your taste in people is so weird, Haga – no offense.”

“Well, considering that _you’re_ a person that somehow got roped into being my friend, I wouldn’t elaborate on that too much further, lest you end up insulting yourself by association.” Blue eyes narrowed distastefully at the prod, putting up a front to avoid how vulnerable the teal-haired teenager felt at the moment. “… I’m not good at contacting people; hell, I’m not good with people in general. I would look completely desperate if I called him up out of the blue just to try and rekindle our friendship like we _didn’t_ go no-contact for almost a year.”

“But you still want to.”

Haga adjusted his beetle spectacles and frowned, further slouching forward as he cupped his chin with the palms of his hands. “Communication is a two-way street. If he cared, he probably would have bridged that gap first.”

“That is, if he’s not overthinking it like you are.” The mint-haired teen pointed out, a slight snicker coloring his voice.

“Ryuzaki? Overthink?” Haga couldn’t help but chuckle as well, though he didn’t truly mean it outside of the context of a duel. Whereas Haga was a strategic, manipulative thinker and dueler, Ryuzaki was direct and confrontational, more likely to storm into a challenge using the brute strength of his deck than to resort to underhanded tactics to get the upper-hand – though that didn’t mean that Ryuzaki was nearly as impulsive outside of the dueling arena. “Obviously your first impression of him wasn’t a very reliable one – he’s never really shied away from stuff like that. He’s always been pretty direct.”

“Either way, I wish you would do _something_ about the situation that didn’t just include you pining for him constantly.” His companion drawled teasingly. “If I have to hear the story about you two walking through the desert together on your way to Kaiba Land one more time, I swear I’m gonna lose it. I think I’d rather do Shinji’s chores for a _month_.”

“You’re horrible,” Haga snickered. “You can do mine as well then, while you’re at it.”

"Hey, I’m being serious though, Haga.” The voice on the other end of the line became more firm, the humor in his tone subsiding as Haga could hear Espa shift his position on whatever he had been sitting on. “At least think about it. If you’re waiting on him to come back into your life like nothing happened, you’re going to be waiting for a very long time.”

“Whatever you say, _mother,_ ” The insect duelist huffed with a roll of his eyes. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

There was a pause. Haga cast his gaze to his phone curiously, almost about speak up again to break the silence, when Espa suddenly swore under his breath and sighed. Haga’s eyebrows shot up into the thick expanse of his seafoam green bangs as Espa told him, “I just heard a crash downstairs – I gotta go check it out, Haga. Can I call you back later?”

“Ah! Of course. I’ll talk to you later if you don’t get the time to call me back tonight.”

“If something broke, I’m coming to live with you for a while. I won't be able to take cleaning up another set of broken dishes,” Espa sighed exasperatedly. “See ya later, Haga. And congratulations again on winning the Regionals! You earned it.”

“Have a good night, Espa.”

Haga couldn’t stop the small smile that etched across his lips as the call ended, watching as his phone screen lit up at the notification before fading to black once more. He took a moment to stare blankly into the feathery softness of his comforter before he flopped onto his back and turned his gaze up to his ceiling. Haga sighed then, screwing his eyes shut and moving his hand to come up and methodically rub the bridge of his nose.

Espa was great, but he didn’t entirely understand.

There was so much that he knew about Haga, but a good portion of that knowledge had slipped through the cracks of the faux psychic’s _understanding_ of his newfound friend. Espa _knew_ that Haga was enamored with the brunette, but he didn’t entirely get why – he only knew Ryuzaki as the boy he had beaten in Battle City and nothing more, save for the pining confessions that Haga had admitted to him over their shared lunch periods and days off together. It had given the mint-haired teen more perspective into the dino duelist that Haga secretly held dear to his heart, but it still wasn’t enough to make him _understand_.

Haga couldn’t blame Espa for not quite grasping what it was about Ryuzaki that made him want to reach out to the brunette and close that gap once more. Even the stories of mutual shenanigans and the various schemes they had plotted together hadn’t opened Espa’s eyes entirely to the significance of their relationship, but Haga supposed it wouldn’t make much sense to someone who hadn’t actually _been there_ to witness everything that they had gone through together. Even after being told about their pasts, Espa still saw Ryuzaki as a second-rate duelist that Haga hadn’t spoken to in almost a year, and in the mint-haired youth’s mind, Haga could do better than the scruffy brunette dinosaur lover.

That certainly wasn’t what Haga saw, though. Ryuzaki had been his entire support system during their collective lowest points – from being shunned after Duelist Kingdom to making their way to Kaiba Land together; from joining the DOMA Organization to accidentally stealing Yuugi’s Millennium artifacts as a last-ditch effort after all of their other schemes had failed miserably, Ryuzaki had been there through it all.

He had been by Haga’s side during _all_ of their shared history, both good and bad – sure, they used to be household names in the dueling world once upon a time, but Ryuzaki hadn’t strayed away from Haga once their fame had fleeted and they were targeted for their failures. Everyone else had turned their backs on Haga once he was no longer taken seriously as a duelist, but Ryuzaki understood what it meant to be shunned in that way and had become his most loyal ally because of it.

Espa thought he understood that feeling as well, but it wasn’t really the same.

Haga supposed that he must have seen them as two sides of the same coin; he had admitted to the insect duelist before that he knew what it was like to be shamed out of dueling after his psychic hoax had been seen through by Katsuya Jounouchi, but that sort of hiccup was easy to recover from, and it hadn’t followed Espa in nearly the same way that Haga and Ryuzaki’s infamy had followed them.

Haga certainly didn’t look down on him for that, though – hell, he couldn’t judge Espa for thinking that their situations were comparable, or for failing to understand why Ryuzaki appealed to the teal-haired teen so much. For all of the intricate parts of Haga’s past that Espa failed to fully grasp, he had still become an invaluable friend to the bug-obsessed boy, and his presence in Haga’s life was cherished. Espa never failed to be a listening ear for Haga’s frustrations or a damn good shoulder to cry on when the bug duelist had needed it, but Haga knew that they weren’t always on the same page, and that was fine. They didn’t need to be in order to have a healthy and mutually beneficial friendship. For the first time since he had Ryuzaki by his side, Haga had found a boy who wouldn’t judge him for his past transgressions, and having a pillar of support after going so long without it meant more to Haga than he’d ever be able to admit.

It still wasn’t the same as actually having Ryuzaki back, though.

He supposed that Espa was just trying to fill the void that Ryuzaki had left in his absence, but that was a spot that couldn’t easily be taken, most certainly not by Espa. Espa was a strong foundation for Haga to emulate while he worked through his past turmoil, but he was a strictly platonic companion and Haga knew that.

His feelings for Ryuzaki couldn’t have been more different.

Haga frowned up at the ceiling as he pictured the brunette in his mind; that cocky, lopsided grin he often wore and the mischievous glint in those dark violet eyes. How could anyone ever hope to compare to the rough-around-the-edges dinosaur enthusiast that had remained Haga’s greatest ally during their various escapades together? Haga had never admitted it – had often acted like he couldn’t stand Ryuzaki or that he found the dino duelist to be little more than an annoyance – but his uptight and unfeeling façade couldn’t have been further from the truth of how he really felt. Espa had been trustworthy and patient enough with Haga to coax their shared past out of the insect duelist, and with that had come the one confession that Haga had never made to another soul before – one that still made his heart skip a beat even after all this time.

Haga was hopelessly in love with Ryuzaki.

It was a fact that had shaken Haga to his core when he first realized it, because it had taken him so long to understand why he was so drawn to the brunette in the first place. There had been numerous sleepless nights after the Regional Championship and Duelist Kingdom tournaments where Haga had lied awake and wondered what exactly it all meant. He’d stay awake for hours wondering why he kept picturing that snaggletooth grin and that messy mop of brunette hair every time he closed his eyes to try and sleep – why he kept picturing those piercing violet eyes that made his skin flush with heat and chill with goosebumps at the same time. Although they often bickered as if they couldn’t stand each other when they hung out during the day, Haga had always returned home each night with an almost weightless feeling in his chest, and it had taken him an embarrassingly long time to sort out his emotions and figure out what exactly it was that made him feel this way.

It wasn’t the first time he had been confused about his feelings, either. He had actually spent a long time feeling… _off_ , listening to his male classmates talk animatedly about their crushes and first girlfriends at school, watching as his peers worked up the courage to ask a girl out on a date or slide her a love letter in between classes. Haga had felt as if he was entirely blind to something that was so obvious to everyone else around him – sure, the girls were okay-looking, he supposed, but he never understood why the boys were so enamored with them. He’d watch his male peers get nervous and make fools out of themselves in an attempt to impress the girls in his class, and he always got a sense of second-hand embarrassment out of watching these endeavors because it just seemed so foreign and unnecessary to him.

They all seemed so lovestruck and it made no sense to Haga. He always wondered why none of the guys at school ever acted that way around each other – or why he _did_ act that way around the guys that he had found especially cool or charming. He had tried to make flirtatious advances to girls like Anzu Mazaki as a form of practice to see if he would eventually get the hang of it and finally understand what every guy in his class seemed to feel so naturally, but every time he tried it, the girls had always looked at him like he was a cockroach and he felt nothing at their inevitable rejection.

He wondered why he had never cared when they turned him down, especially when all of the boys in his class seemed so heartbroken by that same rejection.

When he fell for Ryuzaki, it all suddenly made sense.

His eyes had been opened, and now that Ryuzaki was no longer in his life, Haga didn’t know exactly what to do. Ryuzaki had infiltrated his thoughts for months on end now, taking up space and filtering through his memories with the force of a freight train. The absence of the dinosaur enthusiast rang hollow through his chest with every beat of his heart, but even if Haga had gotten him back by some miracle, he had no idea what he would do – surely he couldn’t tell Ryuzaki how he felt and risk ruining the friendship he was yearning so hard to get back. There was no doubt in his mind that Ryuzaki would not return his affections, so even if Haga had managed to rekindle his friendship with the brunette, there was no way he could act on the feelings that he was trying to hard and failing to push down.

How could he ever expect to confess his feelings to the boy he only ever saw chasing after women like Mai Kujaku?

It was pointless and futile, anyways – Espa had been right when he told Haga that it was unlikely for Ryuzaki to just drop back into his life like nothing had happened. To think that such an occurrence could happen in a city as big as Domino was just another escapist fantasy that Haga kept replaying in his mind; bumping into his partner in crime and continuing their relationship like it had never ended in the first place.

It was so hard for Haga to come to terms with because he was so terrified of being the one to bridge that gap and contact Ryuzaki like Espa had suggested – he thought it was a funny twist of irony that this was the first potential rejection he ever _had_ cared about – and the thought of Ryuzaki wanting nothing to do with him was such a paralyzing thought that it effectively kept Haga from even attempting contact, lest he experience the heartbreak he saw so often in his peers.

For all Haga knew, Ryuzaki had moved on from their friendship and was better off without him; after all they had been through, it wouldn’t surprise him if Ryuzaki wanted no memories of the lowest point in his life anymore, and Haga would be nothing but a walking, talking reminder of all of the trouble they had gotten into together.

It was enough to keep Haga rooted in place, browsing over Ryuzaki’s number in his phone almost every night but never having the courage to actually press the _call_ button.

The space in between them was just too big and looming for Haga to attempt breaking through it, but every time he went to a tournament, he searched through the crowd in a desperate plea that he would scout out that mop of brunette hair and those gorgeous dark violet eyes, and he would get Ryuzaki back by his side. Even after all this time, knowing that he hadn’t seen Ryuzaki’s name in any dueling rosters for almost a year now, Haga still got caught up in imaginary scenarios of running into him at a tournament and sweeping the dino duelist off his feet, making up for lost time and finally getting his best friend back.

Of course, their reunion would likely never happen like that, but a closeted romantic could dream, right? With Haga's luck, they would likely bump into each other in the least romantic way possible. He wanted to chuckle at the thought, but his eyes remained fixated on the ceiling as thoughts of Ryuzaki kept filtering through his mind.

He was so nervous, and so scared, because he knew that bumping into Ryuzaki by chance was less likely to happen as time went on. Actually seeing those dark violet eyes in the crowd became less probable with every tournament that Haga was entered in, and the dino duelist had thus far failed to attend any of the competitions that Haga been forced to sign up for. He still searched for his companion in the crowd at every event that he went to, but he was starting to give up hope that he would ever have that closure. Haga would never know if Ryuzaki even played Duel Monsters anymore unless he had actually asked him - and he often thought about it, because he _was_ curious why he hadn't seen Ryuzaki place recently - but that would require the contact that he was deathly afraid of making.

He browsed over Ryuzaki’s contact information in his phone almost daily, but he was too frozen with fear to take the plunge and see if he would still be wanted as a friend.

His fantasies of getting that miraculous, storybook reunion were fading, and that alone was heartbreaking in its own way that Haga had never felt before.

Tears spilled over his cheeks, and Haga’s eyes widened in shock at the sensation, pulled out of his reverie as he gingerly wiped them away before they could dampen his bedsheets. He thought he had faintly heard the sound of his parents’ car pulling into the driveway, but it wasn’t enough to rouse him from his spot on the bed just yet, lying back and staring blankly up at the ceiling. Haga stayed like that for another moment as he heard the car door close from outside his window, reminiscing about times that seemed so far away and yet felt as if they had happened only yesterday.

He only had one thought as he heard the front door open, his lips tugging into a frown at the fact that he would inevitably hear from his parents that they signed him up for yet another tournament before they even asked him how the Regionals had gone. He wiped another set of tears from his cheeks as he sat up, staring blankly at the Regional Championship trophy he had won today that sat next to him on the bed. He saw a distorted, golden reflection of his own face in its surface, red-rimmed eyes and beetle glasses staring him down, and that thought replayed in his mind again and again.

He would trade his entire dueling career – stop attending tournaments altogether, even – if it meant that he could get Ryuzaki back in his life again.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! I wrote this because I figured that my characterization of Haga might seem a bit soft in Dino-Dorks and Bug-Boys, so I wanted to delve into my backstory for this character to give more of an insight into why I write him the way I do. I definitely headcanon him as being so done with his parents' shit - he's been under their control for so long, and having his passions twisted into unrecognizable, hollow shadows of their former self would likely make him not even want to continue dueling, especially not with Ryuzaki by his side. 
> 
> I also want to elaborate that Espa really does have a decent role in this story - he's not meant to be an antagonist. I hope I did him justice in the way that I wrote him; he cares about Haga immensely, and Haga cares about him too and cherishes that he's in his life, but Espa is a purely platonic companion and he doesn't entirely understand Haga because he simply wasn't there to witness everything that happened to him and Ryuzaki. It doesn't make him any less valid of a friend, and Haga doesn't think less of him for that, but it just doesn't fill the same hole that Ryuzaki does, you know? 
> 
> As always, you can find me on Tumblr at somethingborrowed, so if you have any comments or questions, asking them here or on my Tumblr would be much appreciated! I really hope you liked this one-shot and I thank you for taking the time to read it!


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